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My Journal

The early days

Here are some entries to my diaries that I have been writing for over 6 years

This is just when my problems began, I will frequently be adding more entries over the next few days and weeks.

 

1st May 1996 9.15am

This morning I feel terrible (physically as well as mentally) because I haven't eaten anything since Sunday lunch time. Dad said we should eat out tonight, like we often do, so I don't feel so bad about it as I haven't eaten since Sunday. I feel weak and shaky. But I will continue like this until this evening.

2nd May 1996

I don't know what the time is and I'm deliberately not checking as I'm so scared of having hours to go before I go to bed. We went out for the meal last night. I enjoyed it, but only because I hadn't eaten since Sunday. I feel guilty now and feel like I have to start over again, have to starve before I can eat.

2pm. Mum has just talked to me and we had a long chat about my eating habits. She made me realize that my obsession with food is to block out reality. I find other problems in my life harder when I eat. But I've had enough of eating, starving and being sick. I am going to eat normally from now on and I'm going to be positive from now on.

12th May 1996

I've had a little outburst this evening. I am experiencing the worst feelings of the day. I keep having to tell myself that this time will pass. I have to tell myself that millions of other people have experienced similar things. I feel the world is closing in on me, there is no escape from feeling so dreadful. I look at other people and cannot believe they could possibly feel happy. What is happiness? I feel I can't get through the rest of this evening.

30th May 1996

Today has been a strange day. Last night I was given  a lot of diazepam to help me sleep and so I slept in to about 12pm. Then I got up and went to see mum at work. I had a cheese and pickle roll and I felt OK about it. I bought some more laxatives which made me feel a bit better. I shouldn't be writing this because as soon as the hospital reads it I'll have them taken off me, but in fact it won't matter as I will have used them all anyway. I am really going to try to get my eating back on track, but I need laxatives to do so. Also I need to be able to control it. (this has been going on for over a year now and it has to end sometime) I don't think I'm getting any better with these antidepressants.

7.30pm. Right now I want to die. Dad will be here to see me soon so I will keep the feelings hidden until afterwards when I'll be able to harm myself. I want to go out for an hour or so but if I do it now I won't be allowed to go out.

27th June 1996

I hate myself. I've been bingeing again. I will make up for it tomorrow. I made myself sick again and I feel a little better for it as I'm not worrying so much about the calories.

6th August 1996

I have not written in my diary for a long time. The past two weeks have been very strange. I started drinking a lot which lasted for days, then I took 3 overdoses in the following week. I have been back and forth to the hospital. I hate it there. I don't want to go back, but I can't be sure I won't take another OD. I have been getting upset with my roommate. She was angry with me for having the bed by the window. She said "do you sleep with the window open? I need the window open! I was promised I would get the bed by the window. I want that bed. Why have you got it" I said I would swap, though I really didn't want to. One of the nurses came in and said to her " well, hold on, who said you could have that bed? I just wanted to die. I couldn't cope with getting into arguments. At the moment I am scared to go back into te room because she might be there.

7th August 1996

My doctor has just told me that there is space at an adolescent unit up north where I could get help 7 days a week. I feel strange about the whole idea. Sometimes I think help 7 days a week is what I need, and other times I'd rather just have my space. Everything seems unpleasant in the world. The thought of watching TV makes me feel sick. Working on my computer makes me feel uncomfortable. The thought of sleeping anywhere but the ward makes me panic. I feel like stuffing myself with food. But I am trying to avoid that as much as possible. I feel something else in my life would go wrong if I did that. I am tired, but I can't have an early night because it will disturb my plan of the evening and I will become unsettled.

12th August '96

Yesterday I went to the supermarket and bought some paracetamol.  I talked with my new room mate about the dangers of paracetamol. I don't want to live in a damaged body, but I want to take something. The weather is lovely today. I would love to wear shorts and a t-shirt, but I can't - I am too fat and my arms are a mess. I wish I knew what was happening about the adolescent unit business. People will be going back to school soon, I feel I don't belong there anymore as I haven't been in 10 months!

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