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Stories of Hope

We can only go forward, never backwards

 

bulletAuthor:    Lisa
bulletAge:        19

 

I started self injuring when I was about 12, and I had completely stopped at the age of 17. The last couple of years that I did SI, I was in therapy to deal with my depression and the sexual abuse from when I was younger. Therapy helped me so much, and so did my wonderful, loving boyfriend who did (and still does) everything in his power to make me love myself as much as he loves me. I also had many friends who helped me to grow and heal and to be happy and love myself again. I finally felt like a whole person, like a good person, and I had no desire to hurt myself anymore.

The last couple of months though, have not been so good. I am at college for the summer, and I am living alone, and there is no one here who knows my past. The people who know and who could help are too far away to help. I've been in college for two years already, and it has been hard at times and I have slipped into my old ways of thinking and acting, but never too bad. This summer, however, I really feel alone and sad and scared, and I started to SI again.

I have been so upset that I started doing it again. I was thinking that all my hard work of trying to get over it was for nothing, and then I will never be able to change, and I am destined to be miserable and hate myself and hurt myself forever. And then, just now, reading this website, I realized that is NOT true. I have not gone backwards at all, I am not at the same point that I used to be at. I SI in different ways now, ways that are much less painful and long lasting. I can think about it in a rational way, and I understand what I am doing and why much more than I used to.

And most importantly, I realize that I am OK. I will get through this, and it will be much easier than last time. And I might fall back into doing it again at some point, but I am confidant that time will be even easier than this. And it might happen several more times, but each time it will be better until the desire and need to SI will eventually fade away. I just need to keep in mind that it is a long road, and not always an easy one, but we are always going forward on it, always healing a little more every day.