Stories of Hope

Living on a Knife Edge

I have si for 5 yrs now but I have stopped for over a month. I want you all to know there is another way to find that peace and the calm that once only cutting could give me, in a word it is love! I BEGAN THIS JOURNEY as a result of rape and self hate, every day I suppress the urge to release my feelings by tearing at my skin as I look into the face of my little 1 yr old girl who I know one day will say "mommy what are those marks on your arms?" What would you say? I want her to have no part of this world and do not wish to have to drag her through my past, because now I have a future! You see, one day I cut a little to deep, passed out in the house alone with my baby girl, my boyfriend found me and as he was drunk I ended up getting taken to hospital by the police, what a mother eh? The doctors told me that a little to the left and I would have bled to death before my boyfriend had come home. What about my baby who would have been crying next to her mothers lifeless body? And that's what gets me through every single day! My boyfriends sober now and frequently stares at my arms and tells me to look at what I've done to myself, but I don't see it as every single scar is a memory, I should and will never forget, but for my loved ones sakes try my best not to recreate. You don't have to be alone, many people know about my si and cross the street when they see me like my madness is contagious or something! But some people, they understand and when the day is dark and you've forgotten how to fly those who love you will lend you their wings.