Stories of Hope

Smiling is Better Than Frowning

I started cutting myself about 18 months to 2 yeas ago... My Father left my mother in the summer of '99 and I don't think it really sunk in until that Christmas.  Since then I became progressively withdrawn.  On the outside I was still smiley happy Anne in public, but on my own I was always crying and couldn't work out why.  This got me very angry because I was so angry, I started falling out with a lot of really close friends.  I didn't feel included or loved and that was getting me really depressed.  I felt as though no one actually liked me and were just too polite to tell me to go away.  I became very paranoid that friends were thinking that I was stupid or pathetic, for just being me.

I can't remember what made me decide to cut myself the first time but as soon as I had done it I felt lighter, but only for the rest of the night.  The next day I felt the same as I had done before I cut myself.

I was only doing it at night, not sure why, but then I started college last year, September, I found myself doing it at any point, day or night.  I never actually told anyone what I was feeling, and to this day I have never told anyone why I was doing it.  I kept it all in and never smiled anymore.  My mother noticed that I was depressed or angry all the time but I didn't tell her why and she didn't pursue the issue.  She hasn't noticed the cuts and I will never let her know about them, because I felt ashamed and still do.  I know I would have let her down.

A group of my friends take ecstasy and seem really happy.  I thought they were stupid.  What is the point of risking your life for a night of happiness, then I thought back to  when I took an overdose 4 years ago and realized I was doing the same thing as they are doing now-risking my life to feel better at the time.  So, I made the decision to take ecstasy on the night of my 17th birthday party 4 weeks ago because I was fed up of feeling depressed and always ending a night out with cutting myself.  I wanted my party to be the funniest night of my life.  It turned out that it was the worst night I had ever experienced in my life because I had a very bad trip and spent the whole night wanting to kill myself.  But this was the turning point for me.  I know it sounds odd, but the drug made me want to talk all the time.  I actually told someone (for the first time) that I wanted to cut myself and kill myself.  This person didn't leave my side all night and took me to someone's house where a small group of people were also on ecstasy and they were with me all night, talking to me, making me laugh and talk about what I was feeling.

I managed not to cut myself that night.  Or since.  And I feel really proud of myself. (I would also like to say that I haven't touched ecstasy either!!)

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have finally found a group of people who I felt included with.  They know the worst thing about me and accept it.  They don't hold it against me.  And they make me smile all the time!  I have wanted to cut myself since then, but I have thrown away my razors which I kept in my wallet and now when I'm out I don't have the opportunity.

I know 4 weeks isn't that long of a time, but I'm proud.  I smile and I'm happy.

Smiling really is the key.