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Stories of Hope

Death Wish

 

bulletAuthor:     Anne
bulletAge:        27

 

I stared to cut myself when I was in Jr. High.  I'm not sure how or where I got the idea to cut myself.  I remember sitting in my room and feeling empty inside. I felt so much pain from the darkness that resided in me.  This was the first time I cut myself.  I remember how it seemed to make me feel better and I've been doing it ever since.
  At first it wasn't something that I frequently did to myself.  There were times when I cut myself more frequently than others.  There were even times when I was able to got for a long period of time with out hurting myself.  The time it was the worst was when I went into treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.  There would be times when I wanted to use or drink and I didn't know how to handle these feelings and I would cut my arms to distract myself and help relieve the stress and tension that was caused from the cravings. 
  There were times when I wanted to die and the only way I knew how to handle it was to hurt myself, whether it was cutting or using drugs.  Sometimes I would pray for the courage to cut deep enough that I would bleed to death.  I struggled with constant thoughts of death when I was going through high school and after I graduated.
  I would hurt myself when I did something that I felt guilty about or when I felt hopeless.  It was a form of self punishment and a desire to die.
  I don't like what I've done to myself and this sometimes makes me feel ashamed.  I look at the scars on my arms and I wonder if they will ever go away.  I constantly where long sleeve shirts except when I'm by myself.  I'm so afraid of someone seeing my scars and questioning me about them.  I don't want to lie to my close friends so I keep my arms covered.  I would rather be truthful to them about it then to deceive them.  My greatest desire are for people to know who I am, but my greatest fear are people knowing who I really am.
  This is a very hard and painful thing to deal with.  It's a horrible secret that will destroy you inside and out.  If kept inside it will grow and become a horrible and dark monster that will overcome you.  It is hard to tell someone or to get help. One thing that I have been learning is that you can't overcome these kinds of demons on your own.  The more people that you have on your side to  fight it, the greater the chance you have to overcome it (easier said than done.  Believe me, I know!!).
  A really close friend of mine knows about my cutting (she saw one of my scars and questioned me about it. At first I lied, but I had to tell her the truth).  She was the first person that knew that I cut myself.  I felt better after I told her the truth and I was surprised at how easily it came out of my mouth (It was stressful up to that point but it was worth it).  She was  concerned, worried and confused but SHE DIDN'T REJECT ME.
  At this time it has been five months since the last time I cut myself.  I am proud that I've been able to go for five months without cutting myself.
Perfection is nonexistent.  My favorite slogan in AA/NA is:
          
                      PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION!!

  I apply this to cutting as well as others things in my life.